One should never buy into the false preconception that because one is good, they are entitled to a happy ending. Life is not fair, life will never be fair and sometimes, we don’t get what we deserve regardless of how much we feel we’ve earned it.
I am not cynical or cruel, only truthful. Put whatever spin on it you want, at the end of the day, this is and always will be the truth about fate, destiny and life.
May 31, 2011
May 29, 2011
The pain...
is still there, it's just no longer acute.
I realized long ago I had to do whatever it took to not feel the way they wanted me to feel about myself, along the way I've decided that this is only possible by chemically lobotomizing myself to the point where I feel nothing at all.
I have self destructed beyond comprehension and when the haze of oblivion clears I'm left to deal with the mess that has been caused by my own hand. I am living in the hell that I have created.
I am like a china doll that has fallen and shattered into a millions pieces...It would be so hard to put myself back together and even if by miracle I can manage to do that, the cracks will always be there, the impurities will always be visible....I will never be perfect again.
I realized long ago I had to do whatever it took to not feel the way they wanted me to feel about myself, along the way I've decided that this is only possible by chemically lobotomizing myself to the point where I feel nothing at all.
I have self destructed beyond comprehension and when the haze of oblivion clears I'm left to deal with the mess that has been caused by my own hand. I am living in the hell that I have created.
I am like a china doll that has fallen and shattered into a millions pieces...It would be so hard to put myself back together and even if by miracle I can manage to do that, the cracks will always be there, the impurities will always be visible....I will never be perfect again.
May 1, 2011
Walls.
It is seductive- the apparent absence of vulnerability. Don't all women want to be desired by someone who doesn't feel pain, who isn't afraid? Though once you dig deep enough, look hard enough, you realize these people don't exist- it's always an act and I've never been a fan of fantasy. The only people who don't need something or someone are dead. I'm sick of your cold stares and the words I can see on the tip of your tounge that you refuse to let spill over. Do you think I'll respect you more for your silence? Is that all you want from me, a relationship of detachment and respect?
Perhaps you're so well conditioned that you're not even aware you're acting? You've probably been doing it your whole life.
There seems to be no currency for you that isn't immediately devalued upon attainment. What a shitty existence, you must get so tired of playing invulnerable. All relationships have the imminent complications of emotional ambiguity, but sometimes it's nice to try regardless of what could eventually go wrong. Stay the same, then stay unhappy. Just know you could have had it so much better.
Perhaps you're so well conditioned that you're not even aware you're acting? You've probably been doing it your whole life.
There seems to be no currency for you that isn't immediately devalued upon attainment. What a shitty existence, you must get so tired of playing invulnerable. All relationships have the imminent complications of emotional ambiguity, but sometimes it's nice to try regardless of what could eventually go wrong. Stay the same, then stay unhappy. Just know you could have had it so much better.
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