Gluttony.

Over the course of the last two and a half months, I have gained 5kg (11 pounds). I am fully aware of how I’ve gained this weight, I’ve been going out on weekends and drinking HUGE quantities of alcohol and proceeding to binge eat when I’m still drunk/ hungover. I think because I’m extremely strict with my diet during the week (mon-fri) I justify my extreme binge eating on weekends, but I can’t anymore.

Gaining so much weight in such a short period of time has left me feeling completely distressed and out of control. I absolutely hate feeling like I’m out of control of my eating and life, so now I must figure out how I can lose this 5kg (11 pounds) as quickly as possible and figure out how I can get back in control of my diet/ lifestyle to avoid something like this happening again.

My current weight is 64kgs (140.8 pounds) and I feel absolutely disgusting. I’m aiming to get back now to my normal weight of 59kgs (130 pounds) by August 1st 2011, this gives me about 5 weeks to lose 5kgs (11 pounds). I’m going to follow a diet of no more than 1,200 cals a day and am going to exercise at least 5 days a week (30mins of cardio, sit ups and push ups) and hopefully this will be enough to get me back down to my normal size by August.

If anyone has any tips on how to avoid binge eating/ losing weight quickly, I could really use the support. I know I can achieve this weight loss in the time I’ve set myself and I WILL achieve this weight loss…I have to for my own sanity.

"The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what fiction means."

One should never buy into the false preconception that because one is good, they are entitled to a happy ending. Life is not fair, life will never be fair and sometimes, we don’t get what we deserve regardless of how much we feel we’ve earned it.

I am not cynical or cruel, only truthful. Put whatever spin on it you want, at the end of the day, this is and always will be the truth about fate, destiny and life.

The pain...

is still there, it's just no longer acute.

I realized long ago I had to do whatever it took to not feel the way they wanted me to feel about myself, along the way I've decided that this is only possible by chemically lobotomizing myself to the point where I feel nothing at all.

I have self destructed beyond comprehension and when the haze of oblivion clears I'm left to deal with the mess that has been caused by my own hand. I am living in the hell that I have created.

I am like a china doll that has fallen and shattered into a millions pieces...It would be so hard to put myself back together and even if by miracle I can manage to do that, the cracks will always be there, the impurities will always be visible....I will never be perfect again.

Walls.

It is seductive- the apparent absence of vulnerability. Don't all women want to be desired by someone who doesn't feel pain, who isn't afraid? Though once you dig deep enough, look hard enough, you realize these people don't exist- it's always an act and I've never been a fan of fantasy. The only people who don't need something or someone are dead. I'm sick of your cold stares and the words I can see on the tip of your tounge that you refuse to let spill over. Do you think I'll respect you more for your silence? Is that all you want from me, a relationship of detachment and respect?

Perhaps you're so well conditioned that you're not even aware you're acting? You've probably been doing it your whole life.

There seems to be no currency for you that isn't immediately devalued upon attainment. What a shitty existence, you must get so tired of playing invulnerable. All relationships have the imminent complications of emotional ambiguity, but sometimes it's nice to try regardless of what could eventually go wrong. Stay the same, then stay unhappy. Just know you could have had it so much better.

...

Congratulations, you managed to show the world you learnt absolutely fucking nothing from what life threw at you, it seems your future's going to suck even more than your past. Keep fucking every ‘cool’ guy in Perth and do all the blow at 7am you want… everyone knows you’re just another depressed loser looking for their self esteem in a fifty bag. Think it might be time to wash the dried up cum out of your fringe and stay off your knees long enough to get your lithium prescription refilled?…you’re really not pretty enough to pull off insanity.

Don't trace your footsteps back to me.

I remember someone once said that breaking up with someone is like a declaration of war-I understand that now.

We fought and you beat me, hands down. I allowed myself to be consumed by that defeat to the point where I was just a shell of a person, barely existing at all. I was so pathetic and fragile, constantly bracing myself for more pain that you didn’t care enough to even realize you were inflicting. You really fucking hurt me, and I gave you far too many undeserved chances to change your mind and come back without consequences. You threw that grace back in my face and my willingness to forgive has expired.

I think about that time now and I hate that I allowed someone so cruel and insignificant to make me crumble in such a way. For that I must almost congratulate you, for fooling me so tremendously, I actually thought you were someone worthwhile. I was wrong about you and you seem to have realized too late that you were wrong about me too.

My heart is no longer an apartment being left vacant for the possibility you might return, it’s back on the market and you no longer fit the criteria for tenancy. I don’t want you anymore and I’m not going to allow myself to even entertain the idea that there is something you could say or do that would change my mind. My door is closed to you forever, please redirect your mail.